The Bus Driver
by seniorseminar
Summary: The Freaks and the Geeks finally join forces to bring down the most unholy of all high school employees: the school bus driver.


_**The Bus Driver**_

_Summary: The Freaks and the Geeks finally join forces to bring down the most unholy of all high school employees: the school bus driver_.

Sam and Neal stand together in the morning at the bus stop. They quote Python's _Dead Parrot _sketch back and forth. Lindsay rolls her eyes, and goes to stand by Millie.

"Ugh, you still eat that stuff?" Lindsay says to Millie, as Millie shovels Lick-A-May into her mouth at seven o'clock in the morning.

"You know Lindsay, most people drink coffee in the morning, and they put tons of sugar in it. But I don't like coffee, so I just take the sugar."

Lindsay winces. "I guess that makes sense."

Daniel comes flying around the corner in his firebird, with Kim in the passenger seat. Brownsville Station's _Smokin' In the Boys Room _is blasting from his radio. He pulls up in front of Millie and Lindsay like he has done in the past.

Lindsay begins to look around awkwardly as they pull up; embarrassed that her friends will see her yet again at the bus stop.

"Hey Linds," Daniel says with a hazy morning smile.

"Oh, hey Daniel," she replies, trying to hide her shame.

"Still stuck at the bus stop, huh brain?" Kim laughs.

Lindsay smiles a pained smile. "Yeah, well after I wrecked my dad's car, I don't think he'll ever let me ride in one again."

Daniel looks to his backseat. "It's open if you want a ride."

Lindsay briefly considers it but then looks back at Sam. "No, my brother would definitely rat me out. But thanks."

Millie has begun to timidly saunter behind Lindsay. Daniel takes notice.

"What's wrong with her?" he asks.

Millie sticks her head out from behind Lindsay's back. "Last time you were here, you stole my breakfast," she whines.

Daniel and Kim look at each other confused. "He never stole anyone's breakfast. What are you talking about kid?" Kim answers for him.

Millie holds up her Lick-A-May. "You stuck your fingers in this and I couldn't eat it last time you were here."

Kim and Daniel begin laughing hysterically. Kim looks up at Millie and says, "Good call kid. God knows where his fingers have been."

"God knows everything," Millie answers. Kim and Daniel laugh even harder. Lindsay looks pained by her embarrassment.

"Enjoy breakfast," Daniel says to Millie, as he turns up his music and pulls away.

"He still needs a new muffler," Millie mutters to herself as the bus pulls up.

Sam and Neal get on the bus last. They look up the three bus steps to their bus driver perched at the steering wheel. She smiles a creepy smile. They proceed up the steps warily.

"Umm, good morning, Ms. Fencler," Sam says avoiding eye-contact.

Ms. Fencler, the bus driver, smiles a big, gapped-tooth smile. "Good morning, Samuel," she answers dramatically.

Neal follows Sam up the stairs. He tries to scurry past Ms. Fencler but she catches him by the back of his sweater vest.

"Where are you hurrying off to so quickly, sweet cheeks?" she says with gaudy romanticism.

"Just going to my seat. You know, have to get to school and all," Neal answers unconvincingly.

"Oh don't worry baby. I'll get you there," Mr. Fencler answers with a wink, and then begins an awful cackle. Neal sprints away with a horrified look on his face.

Two stops later, Bill gets on the bus. He sits in the seat next to Neal and Sam.

"Hey, uhh, you guys aren't going to believe this, but the bus driver has a total crush on me," Bill giddily confides to Neal and Sam.

Neal and Sam both look grossed out. "Why do you say that?" Sam asks.

Bill looks away dreamily. "Well today, when I was getting on the bus, she called me Honey Buns. Ms. Fencler thinks I'm a total stud."

Neal stares at Bill like he's an idiot. "She does that to everyone. She called me sweet cheeks when I got on."

Bill's bubble bursts. "No way. You're just jealous that a fox like Ms. Fencler is in love with me."

Neal responds "First off, Ms. Fencler is not a fox; she is a creepy old bus driver. She's not even a good one. Remember that day she ran over a trash can and a cat in the same day?"

Bill looks flustered. "Well you try driving a bus. Look at how big that wheel is. She's bound to hit something."

Sam interjects, "Plus my dad doesn't think a woman should be driving a bus anyway. He said that Amelia Earhart proved once and for all that woman plus mode of transportation equals disaster."

Bill quips, "Yeah, like when your sister stole his car and wrecked it two blocks from your house."

Neal gets defensively. "Hey. You can't talk about my girl like that. And that accident wasn't her fault."

"My sister isn't your girlfriend," Sam reminds Neal.

"Yeah, well my time is coming. Remember when I saved that party for her by calling the police? Every since, she's been _pretty _friendly to me in the hallway" Neal says boastfully.

"No way," Bill interrupts. "I've got the best chance with Sam's sister. The last thing she said at that party was that I looked like the drummer from Led Zeppelin. Older girls love Led Zeppelin."

"She only said that because you were passed out face down on the floor. That's how he died," Sam answers, rolling his eyes.

At school, Ken comes up behind Lindsay in the hall. "So I heard you stood Daniel up because you'd rather ride the bus instead."

Lindsay looks panicked. "What? That's not true at all. Is that what he thinks? No, I just didn't want my little brother telling my dad I left him at the bus stop."

Ken gets a wry smile on his face. "Calm down Billie Jean King, I was just messing with you."

Lindsay straightens herself up. "Yeah. I know."

"No you don't," Ken says rolling his eyes. "What's your little brother's deal anyway. Is he out to get you or something?"

"Well, no, not really. I don't know, he can just be a pain sometimes," Lindsay answers without conviction.

"I mean, he didn't tell your dad when you egged him. I'd say you owe him," Ken proclaims dryly. "I know if someone egged me, I'd kick their ass."

"Hey! Ken!" Mr. Rosso interrupts as he walks by, "how many times have I told you about swearing in the hall? You want to come down to my office, and have a chat, we can be men. But if you're out wondering the halls, how about you cut the sailor talk."

"Yes Mr. Rosso," Ken answers, irritated again by his Guidance Counselor. Ken waits until Mr. Rosso is out of site and then says to Lindsay, "You know, I could never tell if that guy was gay or not. But after hearing him say the words _Sailor Talk_, I think I have my answer.

Sam, Neal, Bill, Harris, and Gordon all sit together at a lunch table. Bill is informing Harris and Gordon about the bus driver situation. "Neal here seems to think that Ms. Fencler loves everyone. But I'm telling you guys, I'm tall, I look older, I've got the same glasses as Harold Ramis; she's in love with me."

"Congratulations Bill," Gordon says supportively, "I think you could make it work." Bill smiles at Gordon's joviality.

Harris turns to Bill with a deadpan look on his face. "I think you should first consider the paradox that Andrew Kaiser had to deal with when he fell in love with a staff member."

"Well who – who was Andrew Kaiser?" Bill asks.

Harris continues, speaking very quickly, "Andrew Kaiser was in love with the lunch lady. But he was a vegetarian. Everyday he went to talk with his love but she just kept trying to give him meatloaf. They were too different and he ended up a monk in Budapest."

"Oh yeah right. That can't be true," Sam protests.

"It's true," Gordon assures, "I've definitely heard that story before. It's too bad they couldn't work something out."

"Well, what should I do?" Bill asks Harris, the geek's guru.

"Become interested in what she likes. Find things to talk about," Harris advises securely, "and if she offers you meatloaf, take it."

"I love meatloaf," Bill excitedly shouts.

"This is going to be great," Gordon yells with a grand arm gesture.

Throughout the lunchroom conversation, Neal looks jealous. All he ever wants is a girlfriend, and now Bill of all people is making progress. Even if it is just a bus driver, Neal wonders why no one ever likes him.

Music: Bruce Springsteen's _For You _

The next few days are painful for Neal. He has to watch Bill get on the bus and sit directly behind Ms. Fencler. What they speak about cannot be overheard, but they laugh a lot. Bill imitates driving a big bus wheel and Ms. Fencler shows him how the gear shift works. Bill sits behind her and practices every day until they are moving in unison. Neal looks disgusted in his seat.

Finally Neal has had enough of Bill's success with love. Neal decides to seek some of his own. Neal goes to the mall after school by himself, and stands in the food court staring at the Hot-Dogs-On-A-Stick girls.

"Alright. You can do this," he tells himself, "just pretend to be interested in what they like."

He gets up the courage, and crosses the near-empty food court. As he approaches, three attractive blonde girls stop giggling and one jumps on the register.

"Hello. Welcome to Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick. What can I get for you?" she says cheerfully.

Neal takes a deep breath and says, "Hi. Actually I'm interested in what kind of work you do."

The girl looks confused. "Umm, we sell hot dogs on a stick."

"Yes, yes, of course you do," Neal says stalling, "but, how does one go about getting a hot dog on a stick. Does the hot dog come first? Does the stick come first? I've always wanted to know."

"Are you being dirty?" the girl answers, completely perplexed.

"No, no, oh geeze! No," Neal says desperately, "I guess what I am trying to say is…"

"Are you looking for an application?" she guesses.

"YES! YES! That's what I was trying to say. I'd like to work here," Neal says, thrilled with the new idea.

"Aawww well, they only hire girls here," she says disappointed.

Neal is disappointed too. "Really that's awful," he says sincerely.

"Yeah, I wish boys could work here. It'd be more fun. We only get to talk to boys while they are ordering, and then they leave."

"Well I'm still here," Neal says victoriously.

She smiles. "Well yes you are."

They both stare at the counter awkwardly for a minute, then she says, "Would you like to have lunch with me? I can get you free food. It'd only be a hot dog on a stick but you know, if that's okay."

"Yes! I love hot dogs on a stick," he exclaims, and then winces at how inappropriate that sounds. They make eye contact though and both laugh.

"Okay," she says, "just a sec. Let me get some food together." She turns her back to Neal and he begins doing a victory dance at the counter.

Just as he is dancing though, he hears the call of that unholy cackle. "Ohhhhh, is my little sweat cheeks dancing for his food?"

Neal looks to his left and sees Ms. Fencler approaching.

"Oh god no," he says to himself. The Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick girl turns around just in time to see Neal smothered by his bus driver.

"Why hello there cutey-pie," she says grabbing his checks. "Are you here alone? You can come have lunch with me. Oh! I'd love that. Me and my sweet cheeks enjoying a meal together, like a little date."

Neal is mortified. "But what about Bill?" he reminds her as a last ditch effort.

"Oh Bill!" she hollers, "I love little Billy too. I love all you children. I'm a lucky lady, surrounded by all you honey buns to have all to myself. So you going to join me for lunch?"

Neal sees that he is saved. He points to the Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick girl and says, "I'm sorry Ms. Fencler. I'm actually dining with this young lady this afternoon."

By this time the Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick girls have all congregated together again and have begun giggling.

"No that's okay," Neal's date giggles, "I think I'll eat in the back by myself today." The girls erupt in hysterics.

"Oh goodie," Ms. Fencler shouts, "now I got you all to myself."

The girls behind the counter are now rolling on the ground with laughter. Even families in the food court are staring, entertained by their morbid curiosity. Neal is humiliated and finally loses his temper.

Music: Black Sabbath's _Evil Woman_

Neal begins to scream, "Leave me alone. What is wrong with you? I'm not honey buns. I'm not sweat cheeks. I'm a man. What the hell is wrong with you? What did I do to you?"

Neal goes running away from the food court with a great wave of laughter behind him. He goes into a bathroom and locks the door. He tries his best not to cry and wipes his eyes until they are red.

Music: Bruce Springsteen's _Growin' Up _

Neal hides out in the bathroom for hours. Several people try to open the door, yelling they need to use the restroom, but Neal yells back "I'm going to be in here for awhile."

Finally, when he decides to go home, the mall is almost empty. He keeps his head down as he walk through the food court, and does not bother to even look at the Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick girls again.

He rides his bike home in the dark, oblivious to all that is around him, with a deep look of regret on his face.

Suddenly Daniel's car comes bolting around the corner blasting Rush's _A Farewell to Kings_. They nearly run Neal over. Neal jumps off his bike and lands hard against the sidewalk.

Daniel's car stops immediately and Daniel, Ken, and Nick pile out.

"Jesus kid, haven't you heard of a sidewalk? What are you riding in the street for?" Daniel shouts as he approaches.

Neal looks up in disbelief, but says nothing.

Ken asked sarcastically, "Seriously man, are you trying to get yourself killed?" Because no one is going to feel bad for you if the last thing you ever do is dent their car."

Neal stands up, brushes himself off, and straddles his bike ready to ride off.

"Wait, wait, wait," Daniel says stepping in Neal's way, "You're not going to tell anyone about this are you?"

Neal doesn't say anything

"Come on kid, it was an accident."

Neal tries to ride past them but Daniel jumps in the way again.

"Look man, I'm really sorry."

Neal, visibly upset now, quickly jumps off his bike and begins to run away across a lawn.

In a last ditch effort, Nick yells after Neal, "Is there anything we can do to make this up to you?"

Neal stops running and turns around.

The next day on the bus, as Sam and Neal watch Bill flirt with Ms. Fencler, Sam finally speaks up. "You know, this is getting old. He is only doing this to bother you and it's not working."

"What do you mean?" Neal asks.

"You know, Bill doesn't really like the bus driver. He just thinks you're jealous. Like you'd really be jealous if some fat old bus driver liked Bill."

Neal, now compensating to save face, "Yeah. I know. It's totally pathetic."

Sam, still watching Bill, says, "I just wish there was something we could do to stop this."

Neal leans in real close to Sam and whispers, "Can you keep a secret?"

Sam looks wary. "Sure, I guess."

Neal says, "You have to promise you won't tell."

"Okay"

"You promise?"

"I said I promise, what is it already?"

Neal whispers proudly, "I took out a hit on Ms. Fencler."

Sam looks horrified. "Like a mob hit?"

Neal frowns and says, "Well, I'm not going to kill her. But I'm pretty sure she won't be messing with Bill any longer. Meet me at my house tonight at nine. And don't say anything to anyone."

Sam fidgets in his seat.

Sam and Neal sit out front of Neal's house. It is dark. Neal keeps looking around the corner, obviously waiting for something.

"Umm, are we going to get arrested for this?" Sam asks.

"No, I told you a hundred times, we'll be fine," Neal promises.

"We're not going to kill her, right? Because Harris said he knew a guy who took a hit out on the ice cream man, and the government found out, and that guy will be in jail for the rest of his life because ice cream men are government employees."

Neal rolls his eyes. "What are you even talking about?"

Before Sam can answer, Daniel's car quietly rolls around the corner. Sam recognizes the car from the bus stop and says, "Oh great, what do these guys want?"

"This, my friend, is our ride," Neal proudly states.

"I'm not getting in that car," Sam says. "Those guys are jerks. Remember, they egged us on Halloween?"

"It was an accident. Honest mistake," Neal says. "Just wait until you hear the plan."

Daniel pulls up with Ken and Nick in his car. "You ready to go?"

Neal tries to look smooth, and says, "You got the stuff?"

The three guys in the car get big goofy smiles on their faces as they hold up boxes of eggs and rolls of toilet paper. "We're ready," Daniel laughs.

"What is all this," Sam protests.

"Hey kid," Daniel answers, "this is what he said you guys wanted; to get the bus driver. I followed her home today. I know where she lives. We're going to bury Ms. Fencler's house under so many eggs and toilet paper she'll have to move." The guys in the car laugh.

Sam gives Neal one disgusted look and walks away.

"Oh come on," Neal calls after him, but lets him go.

Neal gets in the car. "So we're really going to do this," he says slapping Ken's leg.

Ken rolls his eyes. "Maybe we should have hit you with the car."

Neal just keeps smiling.

They pull up outside a tiny house. "This is it," Daniel announces.

The four guys unload all of their supplies onto the sidewalk.

They line up in front of Ms. Fencler's house line a firing squad.

Nick counts off. "One. Two. THREE!"

Music: Meatloaf's _Bat out of Hell_

Within ten seconds, egg yolk is running down every inch of the house. Toilet paper is lobbed into the air, then weaves through branches as it comes down. The boys all shout "Death To The Bus Driver," and "Keep Your Hands Off Kids, You Perv," as the smack of eggs hitting the house echoes through the night.

A light comes on. Daniel screams "bail" and Nick and Ken jump into the car. But Neal is having too much fun to notice or care.

"Come on kid" Daniel shouts one more time, but Neal just keeps throwing eggs with a look of absolute bliss on his face. Daniel drives away when he sees the porch light come on.

Neal stops throwing eggs but is still yelling "Keep Your Hands Off Kids, You Old Perv," when Ms. Fencler opens the front door.

Music: Meatloaf sings the lines "Like a sinner before the gates of heaven…"

Neal and Ms. Fencler make eye contact for a brief second. There is no joy to her at all anymore. She looks quiet and empty, standing in her bathrobe. Neal drops his carton of eggs and runs away.

Music: Bruce Springsteen's _The Angel _

Ms. Fencler steps outside and takes a look at her house. It is a mess. She appears emotionless in her porch light. She looks across her lawn and sees the pile of supplies sitting on the sidewalk: the empty egg cartons and the unused toilet paper. She stares expressionless for a moment. Then steps back inside.

Ms. Fencler closes her door and turns off the porch light. She walks through her small, tidy living room and turns off a lamp behind her. She walks down the hall in the dark and turns into a room without having to feel for the door. She turns on the wall light.

It's a nursery room. There are toys scattered across the floor and cartoon animals wallpapered everywhere. Pictures of Ms. Fencler with a baby line the wall. She walks to the crib and spins an overhanging mobile. She only allows herself to look down at the empty cradle for a second.

She pulls her robe closed around her and wipes her eyes. She slowly leaves the room, holding herself tightly, before turning off the light and going to sleep.


End file.
